something to remember..

kevin,

 
im sorry i left so abruptly the other day. theres been a lot of things going through my head, things ive been thinking about that i wanted to say to but didn’t in the moment..mostly because it didn’t occur to me then since i was so frustrated and angry. this will probably be long so i apologize for that also. and im sorry if something i say hurts you but i think its things that have needed to be said for a very long time. i plan on being brutally honest..so here it goes
 
first of all, if you’re worrying about me, don’t. im okay. the reason i didnt want to give you a proper goodbye is because i didnt want to give you the idea that the way you were treating me in the relationship was okay. the thing with me is that when i invest in someone, i pour myself into them and thats what i did with you. which im finding was a mistake. i dont believe you really appreciated much of anything i did for you and i honestly do feel like you took advantage of my feelings for you and how much i was willing to forgive you for. you’ve done a lot of things to hurt me from the very beginning, before ester i think but i was clouded from my feelings for you and i just kept forgiving you over and over again. which was my mistake. 

i think that the reason im not a total mess is because ive felt single for a very long time honestly. you put such little effort into our relationship. in almost every aspect of it. i had to pull teeth with you to get you to skype me, and im glad i never bought that webcam now. phone calls isnt even something to be discussed and our communication basically dwindled down to having text conversations. because you couldnt be bothered to give me the time in your oh so busy day. and i kept letting it slide. another mistake on my part. and then when you started working it basically boiled down to you talking to me for a couple hours everyday and thats if you werent with your friends. so yes, you’d been neglecting such a basic and essential part of our relationship. at one point i even wondered why you were with me because i felt like you were treating me like a friends with benefits. and if thats really all you’re willing to handle right now, thats fine. i just wish you hadn’t dragged me on for so long. knowing how deeply i cared for you. i feel really cheated kevin. you shouldn’t have done that.
 
and i know i became very emotionally dependent on you which was something i shouldnt have done. you’re not very emotionally available at this point in your life. and i dont think its just me. honestly, this might sound stupid, but i saw it in the way you treat your dogs. the fact that they want your affection annoyed you so much. and it really did make me wonder again why you were even with me. you hardly ever told me how you feel about me, you calling me pretty only really warranted when i said something first and i think i could count on my hands the amount of times you told me you missed me without me having to say it first. im glad i didnt tell you i loved you even though i really do. i had wanted to for a while but it didnt feel right for me. even though i felt it i could tell you wouldn’t reciprocate or really appreciate what it would take for me to say that to you. and i was afraid to put myself out there more than i already had for you. i really was willing to go lengths for you but i realized that you werent willing to do more than the minimum requirement for me. the worst part is that i wanted to have your kids and you know i didnt even plan on having kids. so theres that…

im not going to lie, when i came to stay with you in davis i was using it as a way to really see the ways you would step up. before that i had thinking for a very long time about how you had never initiated anything with me and i was debating if i should break up with you. i think davis kinda sealed that fate for me tho. you never even took me out on a date. if we did something it was because i suggested it and wanted to do it. hell i was going to ask you that day if you were interesting in going paintballing…and to invite your friends… i honestly cannot remember the last time you told me you wanted to go do something with me. which is exactly why i got so angry when you said to me that we dont do anything. the way i see it is that if you had wanted to do something you really should have taken the initiative to plan it. but i think that really jsut falls back into you not putting effort into the relationship. it always fell on me. if we saw eachother its because i asked for it. so when i came to stay with you, i was expecting something, anything but you really gave me nothing. if i hadn’t asked you to make me dinner, would you have done it? what would we even have done in that time? i was really hoping you would step up and take charge for once but you didnt. and a little part of me hoped you would, because it was our anniversary but you let me down again. do you remember how i told you that first night i couldnt sleep? it was because i was up thinking about how i should have just stayed at home and not lied to my parents. and it was because you rather play with your ipad and go on youtube while i was sleeping next you in your bed. thats a shitty feeling kevin. that was something that was such a rare opportunity and you wasted it because you were just so focused on what YOU wanted to do and not make that time special for US. theres only so much i can do kevin before it comes time for you to step up which you never really did. the only time ive seen you really take charge is you wanting to have sex or to break up with me…

and im sorry i told you that you were immature and selfish but i mean it. the way you treated me just showed me that you honestly have no idea what you want in life. you say you want a family and kids but you scare at the first glimpse of committment. our relationship was as low committment as it could really get without it being a fling. all i expected for you honestly was you to spend time talking to me and making an effort to actually treat me like your girlfriend. which never really happened. i think i would have died of happiness if you had actually taken me on a date you had planned for once. which just says how little effort you actually took to do that. you say you have no idea what to buy me as gifts and whatnot which i find a little funny. do you know why i always had something for you? because every time we had a conversation, id listen. id listen to the things you said you liked, the things you would talk about and i paid attention to the things you did. which just really makes me wonder if you honestly listened to anything i said. why would you spend time talking to someone if you dont really listen to anything they say? because i could list off the top of me head a million things you could buy me. and the best part is kevin, i didnt expect anything from you. i would have been happy with you spending time on the phone with me. i dont need a diamond ring. and it just makes me so sad that i stopped expecting abolustely anything from you. it got to the point where a good morning text really made my day. and i had to ask you to do that for me. you saying that really just shows me that you never took the time to really get to know me. it really did bother me that when i came to you for our anniversary and i gave you that picture i had spent so much time working on. and you didnt even bother to take time to make a simple card. or get me a fucking flower. or a hug. seriously?

i think a relationship really works best when you have two people who are givers and i honestly do think you’re just a taker. you really just took in everything i had to give you and never wanted to give back. you complain about the one thing you really had to do in our relationship, drive over to see me. and the best part is you never actually did it just for me. it was always for another reason. so thank you for that. im sorry i didnt ask my parents to buy me a car and pay for my insurance. im sorry i wanted to find a job and pay for those things on my own. im sorry my parents didnt give me those things like yours did. one of the reasons why i wanted a job was so i could come see you more often. even if i didnt have a car i was willing to spend money on amtrak so i could come see you but that doesnt matter anymore. i probabaly would have just been bothering you anyway. and to think i was looking for jobs in your area to be closer to you

 
and you say you want an extrovert. which is fine. i hope you find someone whos just like you and you and your friends can hang out 24/7. because i feel like that was such a big deal for you. i understand that your friends are important to you and so are mine. but i think a relationship is about two people first and everyone else second. you have to take the time to build your own foundation before you bring other people into it. but you never wanted to do the first and wanted to jump into the second. why are you so scared to let someone realy get to know you? sometimes i felt like you were just looking to replace ester with me. a party girl you could be around your friends with and get shitfaced. and im sorry im not that girl. and i really do hope im wrong about that because it is so immature of a mindset to me. you HATE how shy and introverted i can be and im sorry. but i refuse to lett you make me feel shitty about being who i am. kevin, i honestly think me and you have a huge gap in our maturity levels. to me it felt like you were looking for someone who you could have a good time with and then ignore when you felt like it. like a fucking dog. i think thats why u were so into ester…because she paid so little attention to you mostly because she really didnt care for you past a superficial level. there was minimum upkeep when it came to her. there was no constant maintenance like there is with a real relationship. ester didnt care if you didnt text her. i did. do u remember telling me that summer when she was leaving that you guys never talked unless you initiated it? and you never saw eachother unless you initiated it? and how you basically had to do everything…do you remember how that felt? because thats what it felt like for me. 
 
and this is something i never told you but my biggest fear is being cheated on. and that was something i could never shake with you. not physically but emotional cheating. which is monumentally worse in my mind. im not saying you cheated on me but the amount of contact you had with miranda made me SO uneasy. it was to the point where i felt sick. so if there was something there, please dont tell me. i just felt like you should know that that was how insecure i was about your feelings for me. 
 
so im sorry. because although you were my first relationship and i was your fifth or whatever, im looking for a life partner. because at the end of the day, you still have to leave your friends and go home to someone. i cant really change the fact that its harder for me to talk to strangers than it is for you, or that i dont necessarily enjoy the company of a bunch of strangers or i prefer the company of a few close friends over the company of a lot of so-so friends. and i think that if you had taken the time to understand and accept these about me that i woudnt feel so terrible sometimes about these things but you never really did. i strive for quality of friends and not quantity. and the reason i never got along with your housemates is because i felt like such a giant outsider with them. they never made me feel comfortable and i felt like an alien but again i suppose thats my fault since im not like you. im not trying to attack you but this is really genuinely how i felt. your friends will always be a bigger priority for you. i remember you saying that you didnt like breaking the promises you had made to your friends. i always wondered why i was the exception to that. 
 
im just so tired of everything you didnt want to do for me. im not saying that this break up is something im just blowing off. yes, i wish it would have been different but i also feel like a huge amount of stress has been lifted off of me. you dont want to deal with me when im down or sad and i dont really think you deserve me at my best either. i realized that when you had to talk to me about how i was stressing you out and you pulled your classic move of using your friends to avoid me. that was mature. i hope you do take some time to really evaluate what you want kevin. please dont put another girl through this. im sure one day you will make someone the happiest girl but i dont know if that time is in the near future. i am very sad to lose you kevin but i had decided a long time ago that if you broke up with me i would not stay friends with you not for a while. i dont think you deserve my friendship after the way you treated me. and again, i am sorry i didnt give you a proper goodbye. i just didnt want to make all the things youve done okay in your mind, because theyre not. i really wish you had given us a better chance and allowed me to really care for you instead of placing a wall in between us. 
 
also i dont really understand what exactly it is that your parents dont like about me. did i do something im not aware of that wronged you horribly in some way? becuase you should tell me. your parents have never met me. the only things they really know about me is what you’ve told them. so it just makes me wonder what things you do have to say about me…i guess it also just goes to show you never really have my back. nor were you ever going to fight for me which you showed me when you literally let me walk out of your life…because when i told my aunt about you, i told her EVERYTHING. and she was doubting if you were a good guy or not, but i told her you were and she should at least meet you first. i wish you had done the same for me. 
 
 ive changed a lot because of you. both good and bad. i gave you my virginity and while i dont think its something thats “sacred” or whatever, it is a very personal part of me i chose to share with you. im not entirely sure you understand what it took to let you see and be apart of my life in that way. i just want you to know that while it was my decision, you eventually showed me that you really dont care for me in a way that justifies you having that part of me. and i do regret it to an extent. and im sorry about that kevin i really am. i wish it wasnt like that but i wish i could take it back and give it to someone who will appreciate me and love me in a way i deserve to be loved. because i did and felt so much for you and you pushed me away just ecause we couldnt hang out with your friends together and you didnt want to step up…so thats that. you didnt even give me a chance when it came to your hs friends. i just felt like your dirty little secret…and you pretty much just dropped me the minute you got found out. goddamn, i just made myself cry…i hope you realize exactly what you threw away.
 
anyway, ill stop now. im sorry for everthing kevin. im not expecting a response or anything. its just something i needed to do. these are just my feelings… dont think i hate you because i dont kevin. i know your intentions were in the right place. deep down i will always care for you and love you but i think its better if were apart. maybe somewere down the road we can be friends again but for now, i dont think its possible. i need time to move on. so dont think ive forgotten you. i do want you in my life but im not sure when ill be ready for that. so my door is not permanently closed to you but it is for now. take care of yourself. and i hope you learn exactly what it is you want and you learn how to live your life in a way that allows another person to be apart of it. 
 
so goodbye bunny 😦 ill miss you. i will always be here for you no matter what and please remember that i do love you so much bunny. i really do. muah. i really hope you cared for me more than you made it seem.
 
– karishma
 
please dont think i think you are a terrible person or anything of that sort. i never could love you and felt the way i do about you if you were. 

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