when will it end…

man, just when you think you’re okay…it gets a little bit harder. hoenstly i do feel as though i could do this but the thing thats making this harder are my dreams. they just really wreck me. especially today. 

i wanna have him back so bad. i wanna be able to talk to him, call him or even just send him a text saying anything really. but i know its not good for me. its too soon to go back and start being friends again. i need to get to that point where i can hear from him and be around him and not want more. i miss him so much. i just dont know if i miss him or the idea of him. 

i feel alone. and yeah i have been talking to a lot of people, making an effort to reach out but i think its only because i lost him. bc i never felt the need to do that before. but now im doing all these things i wanted to do with him with other people. i dont know if im just trying to reach out or just to fill that void with all these other people. i cant tell. all i know is that im now having to do all the things i wanted to do with him with other people instead. but i need to remember that i never did these things with him in the first place, that i was always waiting for him to have time for me, time that i was never going to get. 

ill prolly have to see him when i go to davis. or i want to see him. im just afraid hell hate me after that email. who knows. hes never going to have the guts to actually reach out to me. iono wtf is going on…i wish i couldnt dream. for once, id like a dreamless sleep. 

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