lost in thought like always

i still have so many questions or things running through my head. and it takes a lot of willpower to not pick up that phone and text you or even send you a message on facebook even though you seem to always be online…who are you talking to anyway? maybe its bethany..or even miranda. man thatd be great.

today i dreamt in thoughts. if thats even possible. they were all about how shitty of a boyfriend you actually were. which is a better start to my day than the previous ones. 

i keep thinking about how everyones love language is different. but then when i think about yours im not really sure what it was. i used to tell myself that you’re not as vocal about it as i am and that as long as you showed it, it was fine. but then you stopped showing it. so then what? 

im not even sure that i trusted you entirely. you hid a lot of things from me. you always hesitated to show me your phone. which kind of is a red flag i would say because i think you just didnt want me to see that you were talking to your ex. i guess i shoulda expected that, you were chatting me up while in a relationship so why wouldnt the same happen to me. i always wondered why you didnt take the initiative to stop talking to your ex…but then its just really obvious. you didnt want to. god if you two get back together again then i think i may just erase you from my life for good. because that really will just feel like you shit on our entire relationship.

i should have known about the virginity thing. you gave yours away without even thinking about it. and when i asked you about it, you really didnt have an answer. so why would you even begin to understand the thoughts and feelings and emotions that go into losing it to someone who ultimately just let you down in almost every way imaginable. 

i am afraid to talk to you again. even though i want to. i dont really know whats going to happen. i still do miss you. god, you were just a mistake i had to make i guess. 

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