well today is october 16, 2013. one year ago today i lost my virginity. and to think that if i had known one year ago where we would be today, that maybe i would have given it a little more thought. heck, maybe i wouldnt have even done it. because the kevin i had known this time last year was different. he hadn’t done anything intentionally to hurt me. he was kind, caring, he listened to me, he was such a damn joy to be around. hell he had even told me he loved me. even though the thoughts that flickered through my head in the moment are ones that i should have probably paid more attention to: did he know what he was saying? isnt it a bit too soon for that? but silly old me just ignored it. if i had known last year that all of this was going to happen, what would i have even done. ive grown so much in the past year, more than i planned i guess.

i think the one thing that came out of this whole fiasco is that i guess i can be sexually attractive. i think thats what drew him to me. he was sexually attracted to me and i dont really know how much farther it went. i still have so many questions. is that all you really wanted from me? am i really that boring otherwise? maybe thats why you stopped caring about doing anything with me…you couldnt get sex out of me if we were out and about.

i honestly dont know if im okay. i mean i guess i am. i think i need to cry more instead of just letting it out for a minute or so and then just moving on with my useless day. i cant force it though so i dunno.

i guess what i wanna know is if he really does understand how much of an impact this had on me. i dont even know if i had an impact on him or if im just another ex-gf of his. who the fuck knows though. i wish i had a time machine. so i could go back and leave myself little notes on what exactly what was going to happen. so id know what to do. that would be fucking nice.

of course i dreamt about him again. and it always starts off innocent and then it isnt. which just makes me wonder about myself. meh.

i dont really know what im working towards anymore. i signed up for that 5k. which will be nice i guess. good thing to work towards. and those classes. but i dunno if i can gather my thoughts long enough to actually absorb any of that.

i just wanna tell him to go fuck himself. and then give him a huge hug. i have problems.

what a turd.

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