meh.

the days seem to be going by faster which i find really odd. im not really sure why but i suppose its a good thing. especially after feeling like everything was at a standstill for so long.

i thought i almost got away with not dreaming about you again. but then there you were. hm. ive realized i dont dream about you persay, i think the star of my dreams has really been the kevin that i wish i had. in the sense that the way you’re portrayed in my dreams is the way i wish you had been with me. its not really you. i need to remember that when i wake up missing you. because you can’t really miss someone who wasn’t actually ever there. or someone who doesnt exist. 

then i started to think about the moment you really did show me what kind of boyfriend you were, maybe not even just boyfriend, what kind of friend or person you were. i really do think it was that night you were here and we sat in your car. and i just ended up crying. i never told you the whole reason why i was even crying because it wasn’t just because of my mom or that i was overwhelmed at home. it was also you. you had been promising me for days and days that you’d come spend some time with me because i was really missing you and i just really needed to be with you for a while. but everything kept falling apart because of your mom who always managed to cockblock us conveniently. i wonder how much of that was just you not really wanting to do anything for me but thats a different story i guess. but then you finally did come, hell you even came a whole day before you were supposed to. and you promised me we would spend all of tuesday together. and i was so excited and i was already planning in my head what we would do. and you even called me while you were driving over. but then your friends called and suddenly tuesday wasnt happening anymore and you had to go back home to hang out with them. i think thats really what kind of broke me. everything had been really hard for a long time and when i needed you, you just left. knowingly. that was the worst part. you knew it would hurt me but you didn’t care. and i felt so bad because i didnt see eileen off before she left for the philippines because i had already made that committment to you. and you just dropped me last minute. and of course on tuesday you left without even calling me or even seeing me. i remember thinking to myself why you would even do that to someone, not even just your girlfriend but to another person in general. but then i realized you really only do care about yourself. and you can’t stand to deal with me if im not being tons of fun. i think thats when you showed me that you didnt care. i think that was one of the worst things you did. not being there for me intentionally even when i was outright asking you to be and even crying because of it. you dont care. i forgave you for a lot of things but im not really sure if this will be one of them because it was so intentional and in your control. you could have done the exact opposite but you didnt. you only care about what you want and any promises and comittments you had made to me didnt matter at all to you. i realized that much that day. ugh. fuck you. 

i wish i had told you this in the email now…oh well. i doubt youd appreciate an update of more ways you acted like a giant fuckface anyway. 

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