i think the dreams are getting better. i dont wake up frazzled or sad anymore. yeah hes still there but its not so much in the context of us being together. now its more like us being apart. i dont know how to explain it. 

im scared something is going to come along and undo all this. its like the summer before our senior year. i had spent that entire time trying to get over you, especially after ester came along. honestly, i do think i had gotten to that point. i’d pretend to be busy and not hang out with you. or i wouldnt return your phone calls. and it never really bothered me that i hadn’t been talking to you or i hadn’t seen you in however long. but then we decided to drive over to see you and spend the day with you. and it was fine but then your dad. he knew who i was without me even opening my mouth and then he tells me how you talk about me all the time and how sad you were that we didn’t get to hang out the last time i had pretended to be busy and bailed on you. man did i feel bad. you were going home and telling your dad that you had wanted to hang out with me. gosh. and then it all came back. and then you did your thing with miranda. and then we got together. you suck. 

you told me i was your best friend. dunno if i really believe that. you dont treat your best friends like the way you treated me. 

and i hate how you only ever said nice things to me when you felt bad or guilty about something. whats wrong with you? 

monica told me you dont deserve a third chance. im not even sure you deserved the second one. though im glad it happened in a way. i dont think i would have fully ever gotten over you if you hadn’t shown me this side of you. at least now i can try and get there. i feel like most people see a relationship for what you can gain out of it. i think you really only saw what you were losing. and thats such a terrible mindset. 

ugh. i need a haircut. and i need to clean my room. 

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