I dunno why im having such fucked up dreams lately. last night i dreamt that my grandpa died. and i was watching it happen. my whole family was. but it was different. my aunt and uncle weren’t divorced and we were just all sitting there. and i was crying while holding pip. and its odd that i dreamt of him since i havent seen him in so many years. and then right after i called you. and then i woke up. and i wish i could have called you but i can’t. i cant even tell you about it. i wish i could because it was so bizarre of a dream.

i do wonder what it means. part of me thinks that i want things to be like how they used to be, family and kevin-wise. which makes sense. my family is somewhat distant now, at least compared to when i was a kid and we saw each other every week versus once a month now. but why would i want my grandpa to die? ….google says that the death of someone reflects that im lacking a certain aspect or quality in my life that they embody. and that whatever they represent has no part in my life anymore. i dunno what that is….google says protection, wisdom and a caring nature. hm.

which makes me wonder why i dreamt my own death. not even suicide..murder. apparently it means a transitional phase in my life. or it could mean im trying to escape the daily demands of my life.

To dream that you have been killed suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions and conscience. The dream refers to drastic changes that you are trying to make. There is a characteristic that you want to get rid of or a habit that you want to end within yourself. Killing represents the killing off of the old parts and old habits. Alternatively, the dream represents feelings of being let down or betrayed by someone in your waking life. You are feeling overwhelmed, shocked and disappointed.

To dream that a doll comes to life signifies your desires to be someone else and escape from your present problems and responsibilities. The doll serves as a means to act out your wishes.

makes sense i guess. especially since i was murdered in front of kevin…ha. being let down or disappointed and then trying to escape. makes perfect sense. i should keep a dream journal. especially since i dream things that don’t even make sense sometimes.

i think i just really miss talking to you. and being able to just tell you random things. its really getting to me. especially since i cut you off cold turkey. i dont just miss the relationship, i miss the friendship too.

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