o.o

40daysofdating.com

how eerily familiar…they sound just like us. personality wise anyway.

things that stood out:

There is nothing more painful than being rejected by someone you adore.”

I’ve read that the source of most misunderstandings is that we judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions..yup.

insecurity is at the core of the fear of commitment.

how vulnerable we are to our friends’ opinions. Ultimately, some of the things our friends are saying are a mirror of what we’re actually feeling. That’s why we don’t like hearing them.

we’re both doing what we always do in relationships: Jessie wants more and more, and I pull away more and more.

commitmentphobe7

Tim loves to constantly talk. I, on the other hand, hate small talk. I am totally comfortable enjoying silence with the person I am dating, especially if there’s nothing interesting or relevant to talk about. I think my silence drives him nuts.

adore giving and receiving handwritten notes. I’ve kept every note that’s ever been given to me in a leather suitcase. While texting and emails take over our lives, a handwritten note feels so much more special and romantic. VS hen I like a girl, I like to flirt and play on email/text/messenger during the day. Nothing major or time-consuming, just little things that give energy towards the relationship.

I think she lacks an ability to take control of her romantic relationships. It’s hard for her to confront major relationship issues, since she hates conflict. When she’s in love, she sometimes puts her man before herself, a trait I personally do not find attractive. She can fall in love so hard, and so fast, that I think she is occasionally blinded by shortcomings the relationship or the guy might have. (i wonder if thats what he thinks.. =/)

I just took the test, and I am the INFJ(Introverted Intuition with Extraverted Feeling) type ( jeez…we really are the same person almost) INFJ_Relationships-small

Mainly, my creative work is the focal point, and everything else in my life fits around that without much leakage. I know it’s very selfish, but lately I tend to let everything else fall by the wayside. I can already see how I’m just putting Jessie in a little box, not letting her touch the rest of my life. I know this isn’t healthy. I’d like to change it, but I’m not sure how to really do that right now. (and theyre pretty much the same too…)

He said he knew I deserved better, and he’d understand if I wanted to walk away. It’s really hard not to be forgiving when I know so much about his past and where all this is coming from. I told him he just needs to figure out what he wants, and stop picking everything apart as a way to avoid it………………… She told me that I need to figure out what I want. Honestly, I don’t think this is about me being a commitment-phobe. I’m just not sure I want to be in a relationship with her.

Is there anything that you want to do differently?
I need to let go.

Additional comments?
I need to lower my expectations.

I told him I think we’re too young as a species to fully comprehend our place in the universe. So while I don’t subscribe to a religion or believe in a deity, I like to stay open-minded to the infinite possibilities of it all. I think we’re probably just a bunch of lucky stardust, in the right place at the right time, winners of a cosmic lottery.

Today I realized that besides our creative work, Tim and I don’t have much in common. Tim likes the woods. I like the beach. Tim likes to debate. I like to compromise. Tim likes to date around. I like meaningful relationships. Tim is great at saving money. I suck at it. Tim is excitable. I am calm. Tim reads about current events and politics. I read about psychology and art. Tim likes to watch basketball and stand-up comedy. I like to watch indie and foreign films. Tim likes jazz and hip hop. I like alternative and electronic. Tim loves drama. I hate drama. The list goes on!

They say opposites attract, and I can see why, especially in the beginning of a relationship. When I date someone with different interests or a different outlook, I inevitably experience new things and see new perspectives. These kinds of relationships can be challenging, but they can also be interesting and rewarding. But do opposites really work out?

relationships are all about the compromise, and letting go of the small differences.

Someone once said that the best kind of relationship is one where you “talk like best friends, play like children, argue like husband and wife, and protect each other like brother and sister.”

I talked to my grandmother tonight. My grandparents have been together for 56 years. If there’s ever been hope for me to make a relationship work, it’s the standard that those two have set. Grams told me that a relationship is about pushing through, not looking for a way out. Then she asked me if it’ll be hard after I no longer have to see Jessica everyday. It felt like a hit in my gut. I couldn’t answer her.

There are girls you date, and there are girls you marry. Jessie is definitely a girl you marry. I think Jessie won’t date a guy she feels like is a waste of her time. There needs to be a real possibility for something more. I am much more open to dating someone who I know I don’t want to marry. I have no qualms about dating a girl who only checks some of my boxes, as long as there a couple that are definitive.

we talked about how this desire for attention can stem from insecurity or low self-esteem. Constant attention provides constant reassurance that we are wanted or loved. I think deep down, no matter how confident we appear, we’re all a little insecure. We want to feel accepted and understood on some level. Some of us seek this through romance, others through family or friendships, and others with work status and merits.

Jocelyn said I’m going to have to eventually let a woman in, that I can’t keep my life on only my terms all the time. This may sound obvious or ridiculous to you — but right now, it feels like such a foreign concept. Over the last couple years I have absolutely loved my freedom, my job, and the fact that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, with whomever I want. It has become increasingly addictive. And yet, deep down, I know Jocelyn is right. I’m going to have to share my life at some point.

Tim and I have been intimate for the past few weeks, but he avoids showing affection in front of anyone we know.

At the gala, a few of our friends wanted us to kiss to prove we were really dating. Tim became extremely uncomfortable by the pressure to kiss me in public. Is this just how he always is? Or is it just me? I’ll try not to take it personally, but it’s nice to be with someone who is proud to have me by their side.

I recently read a psychology piece on attachment theory. It said that if two people are just physically proximate for enough time then they can fall in love, regardless of how different they are, or how they treat each other.

It makes me think about Tim, and how many misunderstandings we’ve had. We do deeply care for each other, but our opposing styles of communication cause unintentional stress between us. I started reading about these communication styles which are outlined in this book. I have an “affiliative style” and Tim has a “competitive style” of communication. This all makes me wonder. Do I really comprehend his true intentions and feelings, and does he understand mine? (jeez…very very true)

I can be the same with with relationships. If I am really into a guy, I am totally cool to hang out as much possible. Weekend trips, family events, work parties, bring it on! I have to accept that Tim will never be that way. He likes variety and constant change. He loves having plenty of personal space, and doesn’t like when his girl interferes with other parts of his life.

Jolecyn reinforced that I’m the “dominant” one in this relationship. I seem to be the one who’s in control, because I’ve been on the fence, while Jessie has been willing to dive in head first. I guess by default I am in control, but I don’t understand why Jessie can’t take some control. I’m not holding us for ransom, nor do I want to. I remember reading something a while ago about how relationships don’t fail because of little differences.

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